288. Moms Don’t Need More Self Care. We Need Permission to Be Exhausted.

SPEAKER_00: Hey friend, welcome to the Start Scared Podcast, where we are mamas who are wanting, craving meaning more in our lives outside of just being a mom. We love our babies, but man, how we lost ourselves in the chaos of everyday mom life. My name is Christy, and I'm a wife, a mama, a teacher, an Indian gramstick, and a projector who used to be bound by what I thought I was supposed to say, do, or be. So much so that I'm trying to discover who Christy is right now in real time. Together, we're gonna have honest and real conversations, just like girlfriends chatting over a cocktail or a coffee on the back porch. We're gonna cut through the big stories we tell ourselves and find clarity to start scared about putting ourselves first. Because, girl, who you are outside of being a mom still matters. It is time that we live out the dreams and the desires that God has placed on our hearts, even if we don't know what that is quite yet. But I got you. We're in this together. So grab your drink, meet me on the back porch, and let's do this. Hey friend, welcome back to Start Scared. I yeah, I always am very honest with you around here and you know, open and truthful about what I'm feeling, what I'm going through, what I'm learning in real time. And so today I'm just gonna start with a confession. I am so tired, so tired. And I don't mean like I had a long day and I'm ready for bed, not that kind of tired. Like I am the kind of tired that feels like I have been carrying a mental load, a mental to-do list in my head for so long that I don't even know what it would feel like to have an empty one. I feel like I am so tired from carrying so much weight on my shoulders that I have to be conscious and remind myself, my myself to uncleanse my jaw, lower my shoulders, take them out of my ears. I don't know if you can relate to that at all, but here's the thing that I've been thinking about lately. You know, I've been doing a lot of reflection and exploration within myself and um where I want to be and who I am now and the growth that I am um searching for. And I feel like, and you may be able to relate to this, I do not think that moms need another self-care checklist. You know, a 53-step morning routine, ain't nobody got time for that. A 27 skincare step routine, ain't nobody got time for that. We don't need just something to check off a list and say we did it, because that in itself, adding to the checklist is another added layer of stress. Even though we are trying to better ourselves, I think that added stress isn't doing what the added stress of the checklist, um, self-care checklist is not doing what we are hoping that it would do. You know, like I think we need to just all have permission to admit that we are exhausted. Because somewhere along the way, I feel like we have taken something that was supposed to help us, that self-care checklist, and we've turned it into something that we need to be good at. And it just is adding and adding and adding. Drink your water, get your steps, work out, go to therapy, journal, read your Bible, take your vitamins, get eight hours of sleep, have a hobby, go on a date with your husband, have girls' night, take yourself shopping, take a bath, put your phone down, wake up before your kids, make time for yourself. And none of those things are bad. Like all of those things are good, all of those things are important. But can we talk about how exhausting, how exhausting it is to be exhausted and then receive a 17-point plan for how to stop being exhausted? Because I don't need another thing to do. Do you feel me? Can you relate to that? Sometimes I just need someone to look at me and say, Yeah, girl, you're tired. Of course you are. So am I. And I think that moms have gotten really, really good at functioning while exhausted because we don't have time to be exhausted. There's too much to do, too much on our our to-do list, too many things that we need to get done. We are the queens of multitasking. You know, we can make dinner while answering a text, we can schedule the appointment while sitting at practice, we remember the birthday gift, the permission slip, the groceries, the dentist appointments, the school spirit days, and the things that our husband may have casually mentioned to us three days ago that he absolutely expects us to remember. And then somebody says, Oh, hey, girl, don't forget you need to prioritize yourself too. And I'm like, I know. I know, I know I do. But when I'm prioritizing 47 different things for all the people in my life and all the other responsibilities that I have, taking better care of myself doesn't feel as freeing because it's just one more thing, then I'm failing at. Because now I'm not just exhausted, I'm exhausted and guilty because I haven't managed my exhaustion correctly. And I think that's the part that I kind of want to push back on today. Like, what if being tired is not a character flaw? You're not doing anything wrong, there's no need to feel guilty about it. What if your your exhaustion doesn't mean that you are doing motherhood wrong? You're just tired because you're caring a lot physically, mentally, emotionally. And there's a difference between neglecting yourself and admitting that you're just tired. There's a difference between neglecting yourself and admitting that you're just tired. There are seasons when we absolutely need to make changes and that we have the time and the energy to make those changes. But if you stop and think about your life, take an inventory of what's going on. Are you saying yes too much? Are we not sleeping enough? Are we pouring from an empty cup because we've convinced ourselves that everybody else's needs matter more than our own? Maybe we need some boundaries. Maybe we need to hire some help. Maybe we need to go see a doctor. Like I just got some blood work done recently and got on a new set of supplements. Um, maybe we need to go see a therapist. Maybe we need to ask our husbands to carry more of the load. Maybe we need to stop volunteering for things simply because we're afraid someone's going to be disappointed in us if we don't volunteer. Those are the real conversations that I want you to have with yourself. Because there are seasons when life is a lot, right? Like you have little kids, you have teenagers, you have kids leaving home, you have aging parents, you have a demanding job, you have a marriage that needs attention, you have a house that constantly needs something, you have friendships that you're trying desperately to maintain, a body that is changing, a season of grief, a season of transition, or just a random Tuesday during the week. Sometimes life is heavy. Everybody goes through moments like that or seasons like that, or multiple seasons like that. But I don't want us to turn our exhaustion into evidence that we are failing somehow. And I also think that we need to be careful about what we mean when we say quote unquote self-care. Because I love self-care. I love a good workout. I just got back from yoga. I love getting my nails done. I love a quiet house. I love sitting in the car alone with my worship music playing. I love going to the beach. I love laying on a lounge chair by the pool, reading a good book. I love doing something just because I enjoy it. And I will never be the girl who tells you that you don't deserve those things because you absolutely 1,000% do. But I don't think that a bubble bath is going to solve an overloaded life. I don't think a five-minute routine is going to fix a woman who hasn't had a real break in six months. We don't need to optimize ourselves. We need rest and we need help. And maybe we need to lower the bar a little bit. And maybe sometimes dinner can be eggs or cereal or toast. Maybe sometimes the laundry can wait. Like I have a load of laundry sitting in the dryer that I have started twice already. Sometimes the house can be messy, which I am learning in real time to let go of. I have Legos on my side tables on either side of the fireplace that are being used as decoration. Because I got tired of fighting to bring the Legos upstairs. So I said, fine, if you want to keep your Legos down here, you can decorate these tables, these cabinets, and they can be you for your Legos. Do I love it? 1000% no. But does it help ease the chaos in my life? Yeah, a little bit. And sometimes you need to just rest and honor your body and not push yourself to that workout. Gosh, I remember when I used to um be a coach for Beach Body, I would wake up at 4, 4:30 every single morning. And then I wondered why I was exhausted, and I wondered why my body was completely depleted, and I found myself in deep despair of adrenal fatigue. And you know, sometimes you need to turn off your alarm. Like on the weekends, if you don't have anything to do. Put an eye mask on and sleep until you your body wakes yourself up. Maybe ask your husband to, you know, take the kids out for breakfast so that you can just rest. Okay, friend, quick pause because if you are anything like me, you want to take care of yourself, but you also don't want a bathroom full of products with ingredients you can't pronounce, and you certainly do not want a 10-step skincare routine. So let me put you onto something I am fully obsessed with: herbal face food. This stuff is hands down one of the most potent anti-aging, multi-correction skincare products I have ever used. No fillers, no chemicals, no BS, just clean, powerful ingredients that actually work. It's antiviral, it supports your skin barrier, and it simplifies everything. Goodbye 10-step routine. I love herbal face food because it feels aligned with the season that I'm in. It's intentional, it's simple, and it's effective. Taking care of my skin without overcomplicating my life. If you've been thinking, I want better skin, but I also want clean, but I also want simple, and you may be thinking, does that even exist? I got you covered. You can shop herbal face food at herbalfacefood.com and you can use my code Christy, C-H-R-Y-S-T-Y, for 30% off your first order. Yes, 30%. Do not skip that. So here's your nudge. You are allowed to invest in yourself. You don't have to earn rest. You don't have to earn care. You don't have to earn confidence. Go try it. I know you are going to be obsessed with it just like I am. All right, girl, let's get back to the episode. And I think the most loving thing that we can do for ourselves is not adding something to our routine. Sometimes it's just taking something off our to-do list and doing our best not to beat ourselves up about it, doing our best not to feel guilty about it. But I think that this is really, really hard for women who are used to being the ones who keep everything moving. Like I'm fully extending, raising my hands. I am very fortunate that my husband loves to cook. So I do not have to cook dinner every single night. Thank gosh. But I am the reliable one and I am the responsible one. And I'm the one who remembers all the appointments and paying the bills and you know, all the dress-up days and what days Bruce has to wear, what uniform, and helping with homework, and making sure that baseball practice gets done, and you know, making sure that I'm, you know, I serve almost every week at church and I go to small group and I take Bruce to small group, and I just, you know, schedule Bruce some private baseball lessons, hitting and fielding lessons, and and then because you're handling everything, people start believing that you can handle it, and so they don't offer to help because you've got it, and then you start believing it too, that you're the only one who can take care of these things until suddenly you're sitting in the car in the garage because you literally do not have the energy to walk inside yet, and you don't even know why. You're not having a breakdown, you're not crying, you're not falling apart, you're just done. You're just tired. And I think we need to give ourselves permission to say that. I'm just done today. I am so tired. But not saying I'm a terrible mom. Not saying I can't handle my life, not saying I need to get myself together. Just I'm tired. Take a deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. I'm tired. That's just information and not failure. You are not a failure. You could not be a failure even if you tried. And here's something else that I've been thinking about. Like the goal is not to never feel exhausted, because I think I think that's like kind of the permanent state that we are in as moms, because even though we may not be in, you know, the throes of newborn life, we still are taking care of our family and we're still raising kids. And um all while our bodies are are changing. Like, oh my gosh, message me if you are going through perimenopause. You can um message me at Christy Lockhart on Instagram or text me at 855-849-0997. I would love to chat with you about it because all of these different hormonal changes, oh my gosh, they're for the birds. Gosh, I wish I was a man sometimes. But like I said, maybe the goal isn't to like never feel exhausted because I think that that is um not something that we will ever achieve. But maybe the goal is to know ourselves well enough to recognize when we're running on empty. And then respond with compassion rather than criticism, rather than saying that you suck. And I think that's a very different mindset, right? Like instead of, oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? Ask yourself, what do I need? Or instead of why can't I keep up with everything that is going on? Maybe we can ask ourselves, is there something I can let go of? Is there a ball, a plastic ball that I can drop that doesn't need my attention right now? You know, instead of feeling guilty and asking yourself, gosh, I should be doing more for myself, but I just don't have the time. And maybe it's just sitting in the bathroom with your back up against the wall for five minutes, closing your eyes and taking deep breaths. Maybe that's all you need. Or maybe you just need to go for a walk around the block. Maybe you need to call your bestie who you haven't heard their voice in a while. Maybe you need to go to the gym or go to yoga or go to that Pilates class. Maybe you need to open up the Bible or open up your journal and you know, maybe grab yourself a copy of Rediscover You. Take a shower, a long, hot, everything shower. That sounds glorious, doesn't it? Get yourself out of the house, go to dinner, take that off your plate. Do something that reminds you that you are a person outside of all of the hats that you wear. Or sometimes, like I said, it's just sitting in the bathroom with your back against the wall. Maybe it's taking a 20-minute power nap or a two-hour nap. Maybe it's ordering dinner, using DoorDash to bring it to your front door so that you do not even have to leave your house. Maybe it's canceling that one thing that you really don't want to go to, but you felt obligated to say yes to. Maybe it's putting your phone away because the noise is just too much. Maybe it's crying, maybe it's asking for help, or simply saying, I just don't have it in me today. And that is okay, that is allowed. I think reflecting on motherhood and really thinking about this podcast and where I want my life to be. Like at yoga today, I was just like, I am light and I am full of peace. So that was my mantra during yoga today, because that's how I want my body to feel. I want my body to feel light and I want it to feel peaceful. And I think that motherhood has taught me that there are going to be seasons where you feel incredibly fulfilled, but also exhausted. And both of them can happen simultaneously at the exact same time. You it, I mean, those feelings can sit at the same table. You can love your family so deeply, but you still need a break from them. You can feel grateful and tired at the same time. You can love your life, but still be overwhelmed by it. You can be happy and exhausted at the same time. You can feel blessed but burned out. Those things can coexist. They can sit at the same table at the exact same time. And I think that sometimes we we make ourselves feel worse because we think that gratitude means we aren't allowed to struggle. That, but gratitude doesn't erase exhaustion, and exhaustion doesn't erase gratitude. Both can be true. So if you're listening to this today and you are tired, I am not giving you another checklist. I don't even want you to think about a checklist. I don't want to tell you that you need to wake up earlier and drink more water and journal for 10 minutes and meditate and exercise and meal prep and somehow find 47 minutes of uninterrupted silence before breakfast. What I want to tell you instead, and what I am telling myself in real time is you are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to admit that motherhood is hard sometimes. More than sometimes. You are allowed to need help, you are allowed to ask for help, you are allowed to want time alone. You are allowed to not have the capacity to add one more thing to your plate. And you're allowed to take care of yourself without turning self-care into another performance or something that you have to post on Instagram to prove that, hey, look, I'm taking care of myself. Because maybe taking care of yourself today looks like doing something for you. Or maybe it looks like doing less. And maybe both of those are equally valuable, depending on the season that you're in and depending on what you need today. Because I don't think that we need more moms who are really, really good at pretending that they're just fine. I think we need more moms who can say, I'm tired. What would help me? Who can help me? And asking those questions without shame, without guilt, with honesty. And so if nobody has told you lately, you do not have to earn rest. You don't have to justify being tired, you don't have to become a better version of yourself before you're worthy of taking care of yourself. You are already worthy of care. Even when you're exhausted, especially when you're exhausted. Thank you so much for being here with me today. And if this episode made you think of another mom who is caring a whole lot right now, invisibly, maybe, or you just want her to know that you're thinking about her, send this episode to her, share it with her. Um, maybe she'll feel encouraged to just rest and admit that it's okay to be tired. Um you know, she probably doesn't need another checklist either. Maybe she just needs a friend to say, girl, I see you. All right. I love you. I'm reading for you. And um remember, you matter. I will see you next week, same time, same place.