297. Is This What Life Looks Like Now? | Motherhood, Change & Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

SPEAKER_00: Hey friend, welcome to the Star Scared Podcast, where we are mamas who are wanting Christmas meaning more in our lives outside of just being a mom. We love our babies, but man, we lost ourselves in a cast of every day in my life. My name is Christy, and I'm a wife, my teacher, an Instagram stick, and a projector who used to be bound by what I thought I was supposed to say before me. So let's go that I'm trying to discover who Christy is right now in real time. Together, we're gonna have a real conversation, just like girlfriends having a work or coffee on the back porch. We're gonna cut the big stories to tell ourselves and find clarity to start scared of putting ourselves first. Because, girl, who you are outside of being a mom still matters. It is time that we live out the dreams and the desires that God has placed on our hearts, even if we don't know what that is quite yet. But I got you. We're in this together. So grab your drink, meet me on the back porch, and let's do this. Have you ever looked around at your life sometimes or one time or recently or in the past and thought, okay, things are actually really good right now. So why do I feel like something bad is about to happen? Like, why can't I just enjoy it? Why am I over here waiting for the other shoe to drop? Hey, friend, my name is Christy. Welcome to Start Scared. And today we're just going to talk like girlfriends chatting over a cocktail or a coffee on the back porch. No big life lesson, no, you know, life-changing revelation, no five things you need to do to become a better version of yourself. It's kind of like an extension of last week's episode if you were here for that one. If not, after you listen to this one, go back and listen to last week's episode. Because honestly, like I just don't have the brain power or the energy for all the other things today. So I just kind of have some thoughts like rolling around in my brain, kind of like last week. And I figured, you know, some of you maybe can relate. And, you know, because I love this podcast so much and it's just like we're girlfriends chatting over a cocktail or a coffee on the back porch. I figured we could do that today. And, you know, lately I've been thinking about how weird it is when life feels good. I don't know if you can relate to that. Like obviously, things are not perfect. Nothing is perfect. Obviously, there are always going to be things happening. There are always going to be things to worry about. You know, there's always going to be laundry to do, people who need something from you, especially when you're a mom to an 11-year-old son. And, you know, there's approximately, you know, 17 things on the grocery list that nobody bothered to tell me about when I placed the grocery order. After I said, hey, can I add anything to the grocery list before I hit submit that you may need? And everyone was like, oh no, dude, I'm good. But seriously, like overall, things are good. You know, my family is good, life is moving along. You know, we're doing our normal everyday things. I'm getting ready to go to New York. Actually, like when this podcast episode releases, I will be in New York City with my girlfriend Shelsi, and I'm so excited. Um, and then we're gonna go hunting. Like, we've got things, great things on the horizon. Great things are, you know, happening right now. I'm actually like it's halftime during the Texas Ole Miss football game right now, and we are up after losing two weeks in a row. Like, things are good. And yet, sometimes I catch myself feeling like I'm waiting for something to happen. Like I can't fully settle into the good because part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if it's just a me thing or if you can relate to that, but I thought we could talk about that today. Um, because isn't it strange how we can spend so much time wishing and craving for a season of peace? And then when we finally get a little bit of peace and what we've been praying for, we don't quite know what to do with it. Like we're so used to managing something, fixing something, worrying about somebody or something. You know, we're trying to get through the next thing that sometimes just being okay or being fine feels suspicious almost. Like, surely I forgot something. Surely there's something I'm supposed to be worrying about. And if there isn't, just give me something because give me a minute because I'm gonna find something. And the more I think about it, I really do think that there's something to that. For so many years, you know, life has been full of the next thing, the next stage of motherhood, the next school year, the next activity, the next schedule, the next one thing that my kid needs. And now, you know, as the kids are getting older and things change, I'm realizing that like life doesn't necessarily slow down. It just starts to look different, different than something I've ever experienced. And the things that used to fill my days aren't always the things that are filling them now. Like my routine changes, you know, kids need you differently. And you start looking at your calendar and realizing that some of the things that once felt like your entire world are becoming memories. Oh, I hate to even like say that out loud. And, you know, I'm proud of that, those things. I'm grateful for that. I want my kids to grow up and become their own people. Like currently, my daughter, she's 20, almost 21. Holy cow. She is up at her boyfriend's um house and they're hunting, and they are just she's so happy and she's experiencing things that she's never experienced before. And it brings me so much joy, but it also brings me sadness, you know. And um, my oldest son, he's currently fishing, and you know, we don't see him a whole lot. He lives under this roof, but we don't see him a whole lot because he's got his own life. You know, he works and he's got his own life. And anyway, you know, these three children, kids, some of a couple of them are adults, you know, they're becoming their own people, and it's just it's so weird. And nobody really tells you how strange it can feel to live a life that you've spent years building and praying for, and then realize like me as a human, I'm still trying to figure out how to live in it. I mean, that's a whole reason why I started this podcast. Like trying to figure out who I am. And almost what six years later, I'm still trying to discover who I am because the seasons are changing. I'm changing. And you know, I'm still a mom, I'm still a wife, I'm I'm still a teacher when I get to go and sub, which is so fun. Um, I'm still the person who can somehow remember everybody else's things while I forget why I even walked into the room and I have to be like, okay, take a deep breath, Christy. Why am I in here? You could probably relate to that. But I'm also a woman who's changing. My life is changing every single day. You know, the things I want, the things I care about, the the way I spend my time, the way I want to spend my time aren't exactly the same as they were five, six years ago. Okay, friends, quick pause because if you are anything like me, you want to take care of yourself, but you also don't want a bathroom full of products with ingredients you can't pronounce, and you certainly do not want a 10-step skincare routine. 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You don't have to earn confidence. Go try it. I know you are going to be obsessed with it just like I am. All right, girl, let's get back to the episode. And that's not a bad thing. I just think that sometimes sometimes we expect ourselves to like automatically know what to do with every new season. Like we should wake up one morning and have a full understanding of who we're becoming and what we're supposed to be doing and what we crave and what we're good at and what we like to do and how we're supposed to feel about all of it. Meanwhile, I am literally sitting in my dog's bed while he is laying next to me. And I am trying to remember that I have clothes in the dryer. Nope, not clothes. I have sheets in the dryer because I have to make the bed before we get in it. And there's like another part of this conversation that, you know, when sometimes life can be good, you know, things are still you can still sit in the middle of something hard. Like for me, that's Connor. I don't know if you listened to a couple episodes ago, um, our cat Connor is missing. And um it's been gosh, two and a half weeks. And I actually had a dream last night that he came back and I woke up in such a good mood and then realized it was just a dream. But um, you know, it's hard because there's no neat ending to it right now. Like, I don't know where he is, I don't know what happened to him. There's no answer that lets me put it away and move on. Does that make sense? Like, you know, when Perry died a couple years ago, you know, I had to, I had to put him down. And of course that was hard, but I was able to grieve that because I knew he wasn't coming back. But with Connor, I have no idea. You know, you hear stories of animals coming back months later. And, you know, I I still am looking for him. And so it's just, it's so hard not having that that closure, you know. And um, you know, I I can still have a good day. I can still, you know, laugh and and spend time with my family, and I can enjoy all of the amazing things that's that, you know, is happening around me. Um, but then I I can still have this little piece of my heart wondering, you know, where he is and hoping that somehow, some way he will, you know, make his way back to us. And I think that both things can be true. And and maybe that's part of what I've been thinking about lately. Like life doesn't always divide itself into neat little cat categories where everything is either good or bad, which you know, sometimes I wish it it would. And um, you know, sometimes things are really good, and there's still something to be sad about. You know, sometimes you are so incredibly grateful for the life that God has given you, but you're still unsure of what comes next. Um, maybe sometimes like you're really happy where you know things are and where you are, but you're still not entirely sure who you're becoming. And you know, when you get a little bit of breathing room, like where I feel like my life is right now, instead of enjoying it, you start looking around for the next problem, for the next shoe to drop. What am I missing? And I wonder, I wonder how much of that comes from being a mom. Like we're so used to anticipating everybody else's needs. You know, we're thinking ahead, we're planning ahead, we're remembering the appointments, we're um, you know, making sure that the prescriptions are filled, we're noticing when something seems off, you know, we're trying to make sure that everybody is okay. And you spend years being the person who needs to know what's coming next. And maybe somewhere, maybe somewhere along the way, like you get used to feeling like it's your job to anticipate every possible thing that could go wrong. But we can't do that, right? Like we can't, we can't possibly know. We're not God. We don't have a crystal ball, we don't know all of the things that you know that's gonna come our way. And, you know, we can plan, we can prepare, we can love our people really well, but we can't predict every single thing that life is going to hand us, you know? And I don't say that because like I've obviously mastered the art of letting go because I haven't, like, please, I'm still a work in progress in every single area of my life. But I just wonder, like, what it would look like to let a good day just be a good day without needing to know what tomorrow is going to bring, or without having my shoulders up to my ears waiting for something to happen. And like, what if we could just be where we are? Like, I don't mean like ignoring the hard things because that's obviously not not right. I don't mean like pretending everything is perfect and you know, sunshine and rainbows and happy little unicorns because that's not that's not true, you know. And I don't mean like convincing yourself that nothing bad is ever going to happen because that's not real life. But, you know, real life is messy and it's unpredictable. And sometimes it can be heartbreaking and sometimes it can be just really, really good. And maybe, maybe the goal isn't to stop being afraid that things will change. Like maybe it's to stop letting that fear steal all the good things that are happening in your life right now. Because life is gonna change. Life's gonna change whether I spend today worrying about what's gonna happen or not. You know, the kids are gonna keep growing up, my routines are gonna keep changing. I'm gonna keep forgetting, you know, figuring out who I am in the season of life. And I'm gonna keep hoping and praying, you know, that Connor's gonna come home. But I don't know how every part of my story is gonna turn out. Sometimes I wish I did. Most of the time I wish I did. I would love to have all of the answers and not have to anticipate all of the things that's gonna happen. But I also like, I don't want to miss out on the life that's happening right now while I'm waiting for answers. You know, I just feel like right now I'm in the middle of a good life. You know, Jesus has blessed me with a good life that is constantly ebbing and flowing and changing. And, you know, sometimes I'm gonna have unanswered questions. And I'm I have a brain that occasionally needs to be told to calm down, you know, and you know, maybe you you know that feeling too. Maybe you understand what I'm saying. And I mean, I feel like I'm all over the place, but maybe your kids are growing up, maybe your marriage looks different than it did a few years ago. Maybe you've worked hard to get to a place where things feel steady, and now you're trying to figure out what comes next, or maybe everything is actually okay, and you're just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. And if that's you, girl, I feel you. And I just want to remind you, I want to remind us that we do not have to solve tomorrow before we can enjoy today. Like we don't have to know exactly who we are becoming before we can appreciate who we are right now. Um, you know, we can be grateful and uncertain at the same time, and we can be hopeful and sad at the same time. Those things can sit at the same table. Um, all of those things are allowed. And maybe the season just needs us to pay attention to the little moments that we're living right now. You know, the ordinary conversations, the ridiculous things our kids say or do, you know, the nights when everybody is home, or the days when nothing particularly exciting happens. And that's actually okay because maybe ordinary isn't something we have to rush through in order to get to the next thing. So I don't know. Those are my random thoughts for today. Thanks for hanging out with me. Thanks for letting me talk through them with you. Um, hopefully some of them made sense. Hopefully you could connect with some of the things that I said. I don't know. But if you're listening, you know, while driving or folding laundry or walking the dog or hiding in the bathroom for five minutes for just some peace and quiet because everybody needs you every three seconds. I see you. And we're just all figuring out this life as we go. Um, thank you for hanging out with me today. If this episode resonated with you, I would love for you to share it with a friend who might need to hear that she is not the only one who is feeling this way. Um and remember that you don't have to have it all figured out in order to keep showing up in your life. All right, girl, I love you. I'm reading for you. And remember, you matter. I will talk to you next week. We are headed to New York. I'm so excited to share all of the excited thing, all of the exciting things that um me and my girlfriend Chelsea are gonna be doing. So, all right, girl, I will talk to you next week, same time, same place.