299. Losing Someone You Love: Making Room for Both Sadness and Joy

SPEAKER_00: Hey friend, welcome to the Star Scared Podcast, where we are mamas who are wanting crazy meaning more in our lives outside of just being a mom. We love our babies, but man have we lost ourselves in the cats of everyday mom life. My name is Christy, and I'm a white mama teacher and India Gram 6 and a projector who used to be bound by what I thought I was supposed to say to or be. So much so that I'm trying to discover who Christy is right now in real time. Together, we're gonna have honest in real conversation, just like girlfriends cutting a bark or coffee on the back porch. We're gonna cut through the VS stories we tell ourselves and find clarity to start scared of putting ourselves first. Because girl, who you are outside of being a mom still matters. It is time that we live out the dreams and the desires that God has placed on our hearts, even if we don't know what that is quite yet. But I got you. We're in this together. So grab your drink, meet me on the back porch, and let's do this. Hey friend, thank you so much for being here today. Um, So you know that this podcast is uh has been a lot of times been used as like a diary of sorts. Um, there's not ever really a whole lot of scriptedness going on. Um, and I share with you my life and what's going on. And so um my grandmother passed away early on the morning of November 3rd, around 3 a.m. And I don't know how else to describe it other than the timing just felt right, like completely orchestrated by God. There was um, I woke up about 3 a.m. Um, or a little bit before that, and then a huge storm came by, came through. There was thunder and light, lightning. And I, you know, when I woke up, the first thing I did, knowing that, you know, she might pass soon, I checked my phone to make sure I didn't miss a text message or a phone call for my mom. But um, you know, after finding out that she, you know, passed away and finding out about the time that she passed away was about 3 a.m., you know, there was thunder and lightning outside. And it felt like Jesus and the angels and all of our family members up in heaven were celebrating and welcoming her into heaven while we here on earth were shedding tears. You know, the rain was falling here as, you know, representation of tears and sadness here on earth, but the lightning and the thunder were celebratory as she was being welcomed into you know the arms of Jesus. And then just a few hours later, the it was the most beautiful, warm and sunny November day. And I couldn't help but think of the juxtaposition of it all, like love and loss, sadness and joy, thunderstorms and sunshine. You know, it's funny how how life can hold two completely different feelings at the same exact same time. And if you were here at all four years ago when my dad passed away, um we talked a lot about that, you know, that there was, you know, sadness and joy can sit at the same table. Love and loss can sit at the same table, happiness and grief can sit at the same table. And that's kind of what I want to talk about today. And it's funny how this is, you know, almost exactly four years ago from the same kind of conversation that we had after my dad passed away. Um, because he passed away November 6th, um, 2022. And, you know, grief and gratitude, they can sit at the same table. So um the day before she passed away, Monday, um, I got to spend about three hours with my grandmother. Um, my mom or me and my husband and um our 11-year-old son, Bruce, went up there. They were there for about 15, 20 minutes, not very long, but then I stayed. My mom came up, my aunt came up, my uncle came up, and we were all there together. Um, Grandma Laurie had dementia. And if you have ever watched someone that you love walk through this disease, you know how how heartbreaking it is. Um, it's hard to watch someone who was once so full of life slowly become someone that you don't recognize. Um, I always said that it exasperated um some of her negative qualities and made it that much worse. You know, we all have negative qualities, we all have positive qualities. Like, why doesn't dementia exasperate the positive qualities? You know what I mean? Um, but it's so hard, you know, you you grieve pieces of them before they're actually gone. You know what I mean? Like we were slowly over the last several years losing grandma, and you're grieving those pieces, and she's still physically here. And one of the things that really kind of fascinated me about my grandmother and about dementia is was her memory. Like she could remember stories from decades ago in vivid detail, down to the bows on her socks and shoes when she was telling me a story about um when she was a little girl. And she could tell you things that happened years and years and years ago, and what she felt and where she was and what it was like. And but she couldn't remember what she had for breakfast that morning. Um, you know, think about that for a minute. Like I can't, I can't remember things that I did years and years and years ago, but she knew the exact detail as though she was like looking at a photograph, but could not remember what she had for breakfast that morning. And it made me think about, you know, some of the things that stay with us. Um and maybe things that I can't physically remember now that maybe will come back later. I don't know. But, you know, the things that stay with us, the stories and the people and the moments, you know, all of those things that shape us into who we are today, the good, the bad, the ugly, you know. And I don't know, um, you know, obviously I don't have a profound takeaway from any of this. You know, I just want to share with you what is going on in my life. But I do know that when I was sitting with grandma the the day before she passed away, um, sitting there with her and my family, I was so incredibly grateful for the time that we had. Like, um, you know, even when the conversation wasn't, you know, what it used to be, right? Like grandma couldn't speak anymore at the end. And um, she was sleeping most of the time. Um, when I saw her on Monday, she was she was awake for maybe 20 or 30 minutes that I was there on the rest of the time. She was asleep the week before I saw her. She only said a couple words. Um, I could tell that she wanted to say things. She like would clench her fists, looking like she wanted to say something, um, but couldn't. Um she did speak a couple words, but um, and then when I saw her a couple weeks before that, I could tell that like her voice was changing, it was different. It was probably from you know, lack of use. And um, but for the last, you know, little bit, she wasn't speaking much. Um and even though she wasn't obviously the grandmother that I remembered, she was still my grandmother. And I was so grateful that I got to be there, and I was so grateful that I got to be there with my mom and my aunt and my uncle, and that we just got to spend time together. I feel like it was better than just being there by myself because we could sit and chat and talk as if she was there, you know, as if she was, you know, participating in the conversation rather than you know, laying in bed sleeping. But I think she knew we were there. Um, one of the things that I've been thinking about a lot today is my mom. Um, you know, she has gone through a lot of loss and um a lot of struggles the last several years. You know, she lost her husband of 40 years, um, you know, four years ago. And um, she's been a caregiver for my grandmother for years, and she's the oldest daughter. So, you know, a lot of the responsibility falls on her shoulders. And then when my dad died, she became the caregiver of his mom. So not only was she caregiving for grandma Lori, and then my dad got sick and she was caregiver for him, and then he died, and then my grandmother got worse, and so she was constantly trying to take care of um Grandma Lori, and then adding Nana on top of that. It's just like she hasn't had the chance to live her life, right? And um, you know, as for me, losing a grandmother is really hard. Um, you know, my mom, my mom still had both of her parents up until last week. And um, but I can't imagine losing a mom. I feel like, at least in my situation and our situation, like um, you know, my mom and I are very, very close. And um I just feel like losing a mom is, you know, obviously something entirely different than just losing a grandmother. I mean, I hate to say just. That's I take that back. It's not just losing your grandmother is hard. I think losing a mother is entirely different than that. Just like, you know, I remember when my dad died, and um, I remember the sadness and the questions and the weirdness of knowing that someone who had always been a part of my life was suddenly no longer physically there. Hey, friends, real quick, I want to share something that has truly made a difference for me, especially in the seasons where I am tired, I am overwhelmed, and I'm trying to keep all of this the plates spinning and keep them from falling and crashing and burning. You know that I am big on doing things that are simple but intentional, and that's exactly why I love gut personal. 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You're allowed to feel good, you're allowed to have energy, and you are allowed to invest in yourself. So don't forget, head to gutpersonal.com, use Christy10 and start small, your future self. Well, thank you. All right, girl, let's jump back in. But then also knowing that my mom was experiencing some experiencing something extremely different than what I was experiencing because it wasn't her dad, it was her partner, like her chosen person, right? And so now I'm, you know, I'm watching my mom experience the same kind of loss that I had when I lost my dad. And there's just something about watching your parent lose their parent that kind of hits differently. Like, you want to make it better, you want to take away the sadness, you want to say something that makes it hurt less. But I see my mom and I see her strength and her resilience. And I also see you know, we're we're talking about grief and and gratitude can sit at the same table, right? Like I feel like the loss of grandma is very bittersweet, right? Like, um, bitter because she lost her mother and she is no longer physically here, but sweet because you know, grandma's no longer in pain. She's no longer suffering. She's healed and whole in heaven. And, you know, with the family members that we've already lost. And then I feel like my mom, once obviously she's going through a lot right now, getting, you know, um, taking care of stuff for the funeral home and um, you know, canceling social security and her pension and blah, blah, blah, you know, all of those things. But I told her, I said, those have an end date. Like you do those and you cross them off your list and you're done. And then she's gonna have, I feel like soon she's going to be able to take a full breath for the first time in a long time. Um, because grandma was a lot for her um, responsibility-wise. And, you know, thankfully, right now, Nana is not, um, she's doing great and she's an assisted living, and she's um, you know, and I'm I'm I've been helping my mom with Nana. And so I feel like for the first time, my mom's gonna be able, first time in a long time, she's gonna be able to take a deep breath and figure out, okay, I am 67 years old. What do I like to do now? You know, rather than just always being caregiver, you know, what do I like to do? And maybe she'll, you know, she can travel more because she loves to travel and she won't feel guilty about leaving, you know, grandma for a few days at a time. And um, so I feel like this this season of life is um a little bit bit bittersweet um for my mom. And I don't know if if you're listening and um you've ever lost a parent um or you're watching, you know, a parent walk through the loss of someone that they love. Um I just want to acknowledge that grief is complicated, right? There's no right way to grieve, there's no wrong way to grieve. You grieve the way that you grieve. And um it may look different than what someone else, how someone else grieves. And someone else may judge you for the way that you grieve. And that's not okay because we are all walking through this loss together. And yeah, we're gonna grieve in a different way. There's no wrong way, there's no right way, and nobody should feel guilty or bad about the way that they they feel right now. And there's no timeline, and there's no, like I said, there's no perfect way to do it. And um, you don't have to be strong every minute of every day. You don't have to cry every minute of every day. You know, some minutes you're laughing, you're joking around, and then it hits you, and then you're like, wait a second, they're gone, or you go to pick up the phone to call and you're like, wait a second, I can't do that. You know, it's just it's crazy. So I don't know. This is what I keep coming back to. Like, just like when my dad died, I have been reminded over and over and over that grief and gratitude can coexist. They can sit at the same table at the exact same time. We can be deeply sad that someone is no longer here while we're simultaneously being thankful that their suffering is over. Like we can miss someone terribly, but still find comfort in knowing that they're not in pain anymore. And that's okay. You know, we can cry because we want one more conversation or one more smile because you know, we're remembering a conversation from many years ago, and we can wish things that had been different, but we can still feel gratitude for the way that things were. And I think that sometimes we put unnecessary, you know, pressure on ourselves to choose one emotion. Just like I said, like there's no wrong way to grieve. You don't have to be sad all the time, right? Like if we're grateful, we shouldn't be sad, right? Or if we're sad, we shouldn't be able to find the joy. But why? Why can't we hold both? Why can't we hold both simultaneously? And yeah, today I'm sad. I'm sad for my mom. I'm sad for our family. I'm sad that my grandmother's story on this earth has come to an end. But I'm also grateful. I'm grateful that dementia no longer has a hold on her. You know, I'm I'm grateful that she's no longer suffering. I'm grateful that she gets to be re reunited with her husband and her mom and her stepdad and um her first husband's dad, whom she loved so much. And and, you know, it's just like I'm grateful that I got to be her granddaughter. I'm grateful that I was born on her birthday and we got to share, we got to share our birthdays for 42 years. You know, I think that faith gives us such a beautiful perspective. It it doesn't mean that we don't grieve and we don't feel sadness, it doesn't mean that we don't cry. It doesn't, it doesn't mean that we don't wish we had more time. It means that even in our sadness, we have hope. You know, sometimes hope is what carries us through those those moments, um, those hard, hard moments, right? Um and while losing someone on earth is hard. And you know, I keep thinking back to like what a love we had in order to feel such sadness. Like, think about that. We wouldn't be so sad if we didn't have such a special relationship with the person that we lost. Like the reason it hurts is because they mattered to us. The reason we miss them is because they are so woven into our lives. And the reason we we we wish we could have one more day, one more phone call, one more story is because that relationship meant something to us. And I don't want to make grief something we have to fix or get over because sometimes grief is just love that doesn't have the same place to go to anymore. And you know, part of honoring someone is allowing us to feel the weight of that love, even when it's hard. You know, someone doesn't stop being a part of our story just because their earthly life has ended. So if you are going through love and loss, you know, just like we are right now, you know, let's give ourselves permission to feel all of it. You know, the sadness, the gratitude, the memories, the tears, the joy. You know, I'm gonna let that sunshine, you know, feel good without feeling guilty that, you know, it's such a beautiful day out today. Um, even though someone I love has has died and gone on to heaven. And, you know, I'm gonna be sad for my mom while also being thankful that my grandmother is no longer suffering, but also being thankful and and grateful for my mom because now she can take a take a deep breath and she can find what brings her joy now and live her life for herself and not always for somebody else. And I'm, you know, I'm gonna remember that all of these things can be true at the same time. They can sit side by side at the same table. And so if you're in the season of loss, you know, I hope you give yourself that same permission. You know, you don't have to choose between grief and gratitude. You can miss someone and celebrate their life. You can cry on a sunny day, you can feel joy on a rainy day, you can laugh when remembering someone you've lost, you can be heartbroken and hopeful at the same exact time. Both can be true. And, you know, I think that's the most beautiful part of being human is we get to love people so deeply that even after they're gone, that love is still felt. And um, yeah, I just want to thank you for being here today. Um, thank you for your love and your prayers and just being a part of this community. And if you have someone that you're missing, take a minute today to remember a story about them. Um, tell someone or write it down, keep it alive, keep their memory alive. Um and yeah, I hope that you have a beautiful day. And um I will talk to you next week, same time, same place.